Overwhelming emotions checklist
-You spend a great deal of time thinking about past pains, mistakes, and problems.
-You get anxious worrying about possible future pains, mistakes, and problems.
-You isolate yourself from other people to avoid distressing situations.
-You make yourself feel numb with alcohol or drugs.
-You take your feelings out on other people by getting excessively angry at them or
trying to control them.
-You engage in dangerous behaviors, such as cutting, hitting, picking at, or burning
yourself or pulling out your own hair.
-You engage in unsafe sexual activities, such as having sex with strangers or having
frequent unprotected sex.
-You avoid dealing with the causes of your problems, such as an abusive or
dysfunctional relationship.
-You use food to punish or control yourself by eating too much, not eating at all, or
by throwing up what you do eat.
-You attempt suicide or engage in high-risk activities, like reckless driving or taking
dangerous amounts of alcohol and drugs.
-You avoid pleasant activities, such as social events and exercise, maybe because you
don’t think that you deserve to feel better.
-You surrender to your pain and resign yourself to living a miserable and unfulfilling life.
6 Core interpersonal skills to change the dynamics of a relationship
1. Knowing what you want. How do you know what you want in a relationship? In some cases, you sense a desire. Or you’re aware of discomfort. The key is to pay attention and look for a way to describe, in your own mind, what you’re feeling.
2. Asking for what you want—in a way that protects the relationship. the basic idea is to put your needs into words that are clear, not attacking, and ask for specific behavioral change.
3. Negotiating conflicting wants. The willingness to negotiate starts with a clear commitment that there won’t be winners or losers. It assumes that each person’s needs are valid and understandable, and it draws on a willingness to compromise so that each person gets some of what he or she wants.
4. Getting information. One of the most crucial of all interpersonal skills is finding out what the other person needs, fears, hopes for, and so on. The major blocks to getting information are when you (1) falsely assume you know what the other person wants; (2) project your own fears, needs, and feelings on the other person; (3) fear hearing the worst possible answer
5. Saying no—in a way that protects the relationship. You can say no in three ways:
(1) in a limp, powerless style that just gets overridden;
(2) in a hard-edged, aggressive style that alienates people; or
(3) in an assertive style that validates the other person’s needs and desires while setting firm boundaries around what you will and won’t do. The first two strategies undermine relationships because someone is going to end up feeling controlled and resentful. We’ll describe how to implement the third strategy in the next chapter.
6. Acting according to your values. Being passive or aggressive in a relationship diminishes both your self-respect and the self-respect of others, because someone is losing out in the relationship—someone’s needs and feelings are being ignored. Being clear about how you want to treat others is a critical step to interpersonal effectiveness. Ask yourself, “What type of relationships do I want with other people?” Do you want a loving relationship, a trustworthy relationship, or a committed relationship? Acting in your relationships according to what you value is another crucial step that will determine the entire nature of your relationships.
Aversive strategies
1. Discounting: The message to the other person is that his or her needs or feelings are invalid and don’t have legitimacy or importance. Here’s an example: “You’ve been watching TV all day; why do you expect me to come home and do the housework?”
2. Withdrawing/abandoning: The message is “Do what I want or I’m leaving.” The fear of abandonment is so powerful that many people will give up a great deal to avoid it.
3. Threatening: The message here is “Do what I want or I’ll hurt you.” The most typical threats are to get angry or somehow make the other person’s life miserable. Here’s an example: “Hey, okay, I won’t ask you to help me again. Maybe I’ll ask somebody else.”
4. Blaming: The problem, whatever it is, becomes the other person’s fault. Since they caused it, they have to fix it. Here’s an example: “Your shopping habits are the reason we’re running up our credit cards”
5. Belittling/denigrating: The strategy here is to make the other person feel foolish and wrong to have a particular need, opinion, or feeling. Here’s an example: “Why do you want to go to the lake all the time? All you ever do is get allergy attacks up there.”
6. Guilt-tripping: This strategy conveys the message that the other person is a moral failure, that their needs are wrong and must be given up. Here’s an example: “Because of your time wasting, I have to stay back after work today”.
7. Derailing: This strategy switches attention away from the other person’s feelings and needs. The idea is to stop talking about them and instead talk about yourself. Here’s an example: “I don’t care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt.”
8. Taking away: Here the strategy is to withdraw some form of support, pleasure, or reinforcement from the other person as punishment for something they said, did, or wanted. The best way to stop aversive behavior is to observe it closely.
Recovery Questions
The main road to recovery from narcissistic abuse, is to define your identity. Below is a list of questions you can start to answer to redicover who you are.
Self-Discovery & Identity
- Who am I outside of my past relationships, and what values truly matter to me?
(This helps separate identity from the toxic dynamics experienced.) - What hobbies, interests, or passions have I ignored that I want to reconnect with?
(Narcissistic relationships often strip away personal joy and autonomy.)
Emotional & Mental Well-being
- How do I want to feel about myself, and what actions will help me cultivate that?
(Shifting focus from external validation to internal self-care.) - What negative beliefs about myself came from the abuse, and how can I replace them with positive, truthful affirmations?
(Rewiring thought patterns to rebuild self-confidence.)
Boundaries & Relationships
- What are my non-negotiable boundaries for relationships moving forward?
(Defining limits to protect emotional well-being.) - What qualities do I truly value in friends, partners, and colleagues?
(Helps in choosing healthier relationships that align with personal growth.)
Personal Strength & Growth
- What strengths did I develop through this experience that I can now use to build my future?
(Recognizing resilience instead of only focusing on pain.) - If I could design my ideal life from this point forward, what would it look like?
(Encourages a proactive mindset for healing and goal-setting.)
Self-Compassion & Healing
- How can I be more compassionate with myself as I heal?
(Healing isn’t linear; this fosters patience and self-kindness.) - What does true self-love look like to me, and how can I practice it daily?
(Redefines self-worth beyond external validation.)
NDIS approved Rehabilitation Counselling 